Hopelessness Blues

The more I learn, the more I listen, the more I read, the more I knew, but the lesser of a man I think I am. I feel so small, so little, so unknowing. Where do I stand in the world? what do I do to be reckon for who I am. Its like wanting to be judge, but hating the judging methods and judges. Mixed bags of feelings and emotions running wild in my mind. I got lost for a second, stop to breath and then suffocate gasping for air again back and forth. Where do I go, to the land of wild imagination or harsh reality. The ground where I stand is not strong, its firm but rough. Sometimes when the loads come, it becomes brittle and break easier than a thin glass. Is this what everyone think. Deep thoughts can chew you, I'm going with the flow, but it turns into a storm instead. Again I got lost and suffocate. If what I'm doing is right why do I feel so wrong, if what I'm doing is wrong why is no one stopping me. Two faces people can fuck me up, but they can never take me down. I am strong yet I am weak. I need guidance, I seek him for help, but I never thank Him enough. He's so kind but I'm so forgetful. Why am I like this, are you the same as me? I seem so composed and relax on the outside, but in the inside, thousands of things are going on. I can't control it sometimes. Its just me. You can hate me for who I am, but I won't hate you for hating me, I hate myself more than I hate anyone. I love her, is that so hard to say, I say I don't care, but I knew I'm lying. Why am I being so dishonest, am I trying to be kind to others? but for what reason? I don't know anymore, they say you need a circle of friends, but I hate them, they don't know me, don't get me. I'm more and I am less, but what I am is what I do. If what I do is what you hate then let me say this once and twice for all the price I'll pay, it will never suffice. I don't give a fuck about you more than I do to me.  Hopelessness Blues, is this what you are, why are you screwing with me, can I be happy if I'm rich? can I be happy if I'm healthy. So many questions, so little answer.